


The Birds and the Bees

by KeiranNight



Series: The Lightwood-Bane Family [10]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: The Talk, Use of the word, awkward Alec is my soul, i laughed righting this, mortified Alec, penis - Freeform, quizzical kids, the birds and the bees, vagina
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-04
Updated: 2019-12-04
Packaged: 2021-02-26 00:47:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,424
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21664684
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KeiranNight/pseuds/KeiranNight
Summary: After Max and Rafe are caught peeping on girls at the academy a mortified Alec is subjected to give them “the talk.”
Series: The Lightwood-Bane Family [10]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1355212
Comments: 26
Kudos: 120





	The Birds and the Bees

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Gibbo92](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gibbo92/gifts).



> Alec is 33  
> Max is 9  
> Rafael is 12

“Inquisitor!”

Alec paused where he was about to enter his office and glanced back at were Professor Flora Anglethorn of the Alicante Academy was dragging Max and Rafael down the hall behind her. He frowned at the rough treatment she was giving his sons, who were trying to pull their wrists out of her tight grip, frowns present on all three of their faces. 

“Professor, why are you dragging them like that?” Alec’s asked, voice low from his building anger.

“Why?” She stopped in front of him and shoved the boys to Alec, who fell against their fathers legs. “Your disgusting children were peeping into the women’s locker room at the academy!”

Alec felt his anger at the women immediately ebb away and he glanced down to glare at his boys. “Is that true?”

Max started fiddling with the edge of his shirt, while Rafe crossed his arms and looked away from his father.

“I expected better from the sons of the Inquistor!” Flora continued to yell. “You need to teach these boys a lesson!”

“Flora, please stop yelling,” Alec ordered gently. “Boys, go inside and wait on the couch.”

“Disgusting children,” the women spat as the boys disappeared into Alec’s office.

“They are just curious.” Alec rolled his eyes at the older women’s temper. “I’ll explain everything to them and they’ll never do it again. I promise.”

Flora crossed her arms and huffed as she turned to stomp away. “Maybe if they had a mother figure in their lives they wouldn’t be like this,” Alec heard her mutter as she left.

He sighed as he rubbed his forehead and went into his office. The boys were exactly where Alec asked them to go, sitting on the couch with their arms crossed against their chest. Max looked like he was scared. He did not like it when he got in trouble, it made him afraid. While Rafael, on the other hand, always pushed back when he was in trouble. Which would explain why Flora’s anger was so high. Rafael probably back talked her while she was scolding them.

Alec moved to sit on the coffee table in front of them, clearing his throat to gain their attention. They both looked up and flinched when they saw the look in their fathers eyes.

“Why did you boys go into the women’s locker room?”

Max uncrossed his arms and leaned closer to Alec. “We were curious, daddy.”

Alec frowned “About what?”

“Why do they have lumps on their chest?” Max asked innocently. “Do they hide things in their shirt?”

“We wanted to know what they were hiding,” Rafe mumbled.

Oh good lord, Alec mentally groaned. He was not ready to have this talk with them. He was hoping, when the time came, it would be with Magnus, so that his husband can take over the brunt of the conversation. He did not want to do this by himself.

“What are they hiding, daddy?” Max’s voice reached his ears and Alec scrunched his face in disgust.

“They aren’t hiding anything, buddy,” he told them. “Women have breast. That’s the lumps you see under their shirts.”

“Breasts?” Rafael tilted his head to the side. “Why are they lumps, though?”

Alec looked up to the ceiling, trying not to groan. “Because when they have baby’s, that’s where their milk is. They feed the baby.”

“How do the baby’s eat the lumps?” Max’s jaw dropped as he tried to picture a baby eating a girls chest lumps.

Alec closed his eyes and tried to will himself out of this conversation. He thought it would be a little easier because his children were boys and not girls, but, oh boy was he wrong. This was the most awkward conversation of his life, right next to his sex talk with Izzy about Magnus. 

“They don’t eat the lumps, Maxie,” Alec told him tightly. “The baby’s drink milk from the women’s nipples. Just like if you would give a baby a bottle, but it’s with the women’s nipple.”

“Ew!” Max stuck his tongue out. “Why would a girl do that?”

“Because it’s healthy for the baby. There are nutrients in their moms milk that will help them grow big and strong.”

The boys nodded in understanding, to Alec’s relief. Hopefully this will be the end of it and any other questions in the future he can send them off to Magnus to answer. He never wanted to talk about women and breasts for as long as he lives, but, sadly, and to his horror, his boys weren’t done with their questions just yet. 

“Daddy,” Rafael looked up at him quizzically. “Where do baby’s come from?”

Alec’s eyes widened and he just stared at his children in horror. Why does the world hate him? What has he done wrong to earn this type of punishment. It was not fair. Will Jace have to deal with this when his kids get older? Knowing his parabatai he will get lucky and Clary will be the one to answer these questions. Why could he not have that luck. Same with Izzy and Simon. Both of them will probably have absolutely no problem talking to their kids about this. 

“Daddy?”

Alec sighed and rubbed his hands over his face. “Well, um.” He should just say the stork and then send Magnus into their rooms later to talk to them. “You see boys. When a man and women love each other, they use that love and make a baby.”

“How, though?” Rafael demanded.

“Oh my god!” Alec accidentally groaned out loud and dropped his chin to his chest.

“Are you okay, daddy?” 

“Yes, Rafe I’m fine.” He lifted his head and took another deep breath. “Okay, boys, you know that boys have a penis, right?”

Both boys nodded. 

“Well, girls have something called a vagina,” Alec flinched as he said the word, “which, I guess you could say is kind of like an inside out penis.”

“Gross,” Rafael made an uncomfortable face.

Tell me about it. “When a man and a women want to make a baby, the man takes his penis and puts it inside the women’s vagina.”

“Ew!” Both boys cried and hid their faces in the couch cushions. 

Alec sympathized with them and wished he could do the same. Instead he has to torture himself by explaining this to them. “Then nine months later a baby is born, but if you don’t want to have a baby, then the man would put a condom on his penis.”

“A condom?” Rafael turned his head towards his father. “But why would you put a condom on your penis? Why would you put your penis in if you don’t want a baby?”

A strange noise left Alec’s lips as he tried to fight the blush that was slowly going up his neck towards his face. “Because it feels good and a man and women also do it to have fun, but you always need to use a condom so you don’t accidentally make a baby or get sick because some people are sick and doing that can make you sick if you don’t wear a condom.”

Rafael nodded in understanding, but Max still had his face hidden in the cushions. 

Good. They seem to understand, so hopefully they were done and Alec can bring them home so he could lay in bed and die in piece. 

“What about you and Papa?” Rafael whispered and Max lifted his head, nodding.

Oh, joy. “What about us?”

“You both are boys, so you can’t have babies.”

“That’s right.”

“So if people do it to feel good, how do you and Papa do it?”

Okay. No. This was where he was drawing the line. He looked at the clock on the wall and jumped to his feet. “Oh look at the time. We should get home!”

“But, daddy,” Rafael whined. 

“No, buts.” Oh god, butts. “Let’s go. If we get home in time maybe we can ask Papa if he can get us pizza.”

“Yay, Pizza!” Max crowd, finally unburying his face and ran for the door. 

Rafael sighed and followed his brother.

Never again, Alec promised himself as he pushed his boys out the door. It is Magnus’ turn to answer anymore questions. He should have gotten them a book on this stuff. It would be able to explain it to them better than he could and he would not have to be mortified the whole time. He put that idea to the back of his mind. 

Maybe with the next kid.


End file.
